What Is This Unit About?

In this unit, you will learn about sharing, turn taking, and young children. You will also learn about how to help children learn to take turns or share, common problems children have with taking turns and sharing, and ways to help children work through these problems.

 How Do Children Learn to Share?

Sharing is a value that adults want to pass along to children, but sometimes we forget how hard it can be to share. When an adult asks a child to share, this usually means to give the toy the child is using to someone else. Imagine how frustrating it would be if you had just bought something that you have wanted for a long time and, when you get your purchase home to enjoy, someone told you that you have to share it with your neighbor. We need to remember that sharing is not always easy for adults and it can be especially hard for young children.

The ability and desire to share is developed over a long period of time beginning in early childhood. Young children often see the toys they play with as a part of themselves. When they are forced to share, they feel threatened. It is as if they are being asked to give away a part of their body. Because of this immature sense of self, toddlers are not developmentally ready to share. Over time each child comes to understand what belongs to his or her own body. As children grow from toddlers into preschoolers their understanding of their own body boundaries improves and they become better able to share.

As children develop a stronger sense of self, they are more able and willing to share, usually between the ages of three and five years. Because this is a developmental change rather than a learned skill, it is not helpful to ask the child to "practice" sharing. In addition, young children are egocentric (self-centered). While they certainly can be generous once in a while, most often they have trouble thinking about how someone else feels. As children become less egocentric, their ability to share improves.

What Can You Do to Help Children Learn to Share?

Here are several examples of sharing situations you may have found yourself facing:

• Four-year-old Zach and three-year-old Tyler both want to play with the same toy truck. They begin to struggle over the truck, and then Zach hits Tyler.

Kaitlyn, age two, is sitting at a table coloring with a group of other children. Kaitlyn sees a green crayon in Lauren's hand and grabs it from her. Lauren begins to cry.

• Three-year-old Nathan was playing with a dinosaur. He walks away, leaving it on the floor. When Elizabeth picks up the dinosaur, Nathan runs over, yelling, "Mine! Mine!"
• Every day, Dylan, age three, goes over to set of plastic animals in your room and picks all of them up. Often he doesn't even play with them--he is too busy just holding them. But he doesn't want anyone else to play with them.

Each child has his own timetable for learning to share, and it won’t happen overnight. Do not expect children under age three to share. Help children who are not ready to share find ways to play.

Begin by making duplicates of the most popular toys available. This way, two children who want the same toy can play next to each other, called parallel play. Children learn new ways to play from observing the play of other children. It does not need to be expensive to have duplicate toys. Purchase toys from thrift stores and at garage sales or, better still, ask for donations from parents.**

Movement and dancing also help children learn to share. Children come to know their body boundaries when they use their bodies. Plenty of dancing and movement, like pretending to be an elephant or a snake, can be valuable for children who are not developmentally ready to share.

Setting up for Successful Sharing

Teach children who are older than three to "take turns" instead of asking them to "share." When a child is asked to share, to them it means they have to give their toy to someone else. Instead, taking turns means letting the child who is using the toy decide when he is finished playing. Letting children finish gives them a sense of satisfaction. When children feel finished, they often are happy to give the toy to someone else.

How you set up your child care room and schedule your day can also help to reduce sharing problems. Start by setting up your child care room into activity areas, a place for block building, cars and trucks, house play, books and quiet reading, and art. By keeping your child care toys together in this way you help children to have many interesting choices to make.

Follow these other tips for setting up for successful sharing in your child care:

• Have duplicates of popular toys, so children don't have to wait too long for the most popular toys.

Keep toys on low shelves so children can get them by themselves.

• Before the children arrive set out some play materials. Put the dolls out in the chairs, with play food in front of them, or put out a toy or puzzle that the children haven't used in a while.

• Give ample time for free play, at least 45 minutes.
• Make yourself completely available to the children during free play rather than using it as time to get ready for the next activity as much as possible.
• Give all children a five minute warning before playtime is about to end, let them know what activity is planned next time.
• Allow children to keep up block buildings and other things that they are using for play after free play is over (if it is possible.)
• Ask children to take turns rather than share.

Support the Child Who Is Waiting

Support the child who is waiting for her turn. Waiting is hard. Let her know that you understand by saying, "It’s hard to wait for your turn." You might also say, "What would you like to do while you are waiting for a turn?" Suggest two simple choices. If the waiting child is upset, offer calming activities like play dough, sand, or water play. When the toy becomes available, don’t forget to ask the child who was waiting if she still wants it. If you do this, the child will trust you to follow through for her.

When Children Hoard Toys

Some young children hoard toys. This is when they gather an assortment of toys, sometimes holding them in their arms, or gathering them on the floor or table. Most often, these children are unable to play with the toys because they are so intent on collecting them. Usually, they don't want anyone else to use the toys, even though they are also unable to play with them. Children who hoard toys have great difficulty finishing using them. If a child is having trouble sharing or taking turns because she is hoarding a toy, first, give her a chance to finish using the toy on her own. If she can't finish on her own, set a time limit: "In two minutes it will be time to give the rolling pin to Tiffany." Help her find a way to finish with the toy or to continue playing without the toy. You might help her find something else to use as part of her play. The best solutions to sharing problems are those that help the child to keep playing.

Read more about When Children Hoard Toys.

Teach Children What to Say When They Have a Sharing Problem

Children who have trouble with sharing need to use words to resolve their problem. If Susan is holding a toy that Ella was using, you can say, "Ella has not finished her turn." Explain to Susan that she needs to give the toy back to Ella. Then, if necessary, you can say, "You need to give it back. Can you do it by yourself or do I need to help you?" If Susan doesn't return it, you can gently return it. Give each child the words to say so that over time they will learn how to talk about this together. Ella needs to know how to say, "I'm using it," and Susan needs to know how to ask for a turn: "May I have a turn when you’re done?"

Often, when children grab a toy, they need help in recognizing that someone else is using it. When Ben grabs at the purse that Tyler is using, you can say, "See, Tyler is holding onto the strap of that purse. Ask him for a turn." Then give him the words: "May I have a turn?" Younger children can be taught just to use the word "turn" or "my turn." Older children can learn to add the words "When you are finished." You can also help the child who is using the toy to speak up for himself by giving words to use: "It's my turn. I'll give it to you when I am done."

When a child has the habit of leaving a toy and then wanting it again, try to catch the child shortly after he or she has left a toy and ask the child if he or she is really done. You might say, "Do you feel finished, yet?" The idea here is to help the child learn to feel a sense of completion. You might ask questions like, "How are you going to finish up with that toy?" There are as many ways to finish up with something as there are to play and each child can decide what would be the right way to finish up with that toy at that time. When a child does find a way to finish up, point out how good it feels to finish something.

Teach Children Conflict Resolution Skills

Each time children have trouble sharing, they can learn more about getting along with others. Even children as young as three can begin to learn conflict resolution skills.

Even the youngest children know when they have a problem, but they often need help to recognize the cause. When two children are fighting, put an arm around each child and say, "What happened?" Let each child have a turn to tell you what happened. Make sure each child has a full turn at telling you his side. Don't use this as a time to talk, just listen. To avoid more stress, hold the toy that the children are fighting over while the discussion is going on.

Sometimes, sharing problems involve hitting. Work on finding solutions for sharing the toy, not on punishing the hitting. But do let the children know that hitting is not a solution. You might say, "I need to keep everyone safe here, so it is not okay to hit." Then describe what happened to both children: "Sam had the firetruck, and Jessie, you wanted it. He wouldn't give it to you, so you hit him. Is that right?" Check with the children to be sure that you have gotten it right.

The next step is called brainstorming. Brainstorming means coming up with many possible ideas. "You have a problem. You both want the firetruck. What can you do?'" At first it may be hard for the children to come up with any ideas. This is a skill that will improve with practice. Often children will say, "share it." But a firetruck cannot be shared like a cookie: It can’t be split in two. So the next suggested solution might be to "take turns." The problem then becomes deciding who goes first. Most often, each child will insist that he goes first, and unless one child agrees that another child will go first, the problem won't be solved. This is where children often get stuck and need help from an adult.

With practice, children can become very creative problem solvers. Here are some ideas that children have come up with:

• I'll get her another one.
• I'll make the firehouse while he uses the truck.
• We can push it back and forth to each other.
• I'll play in the sand until it is my turn.

If both children agree to the proposed idea, then you have a solution. But sometimes the adult must say, "That was a good idea, but Jessie doesn't like it. What else can you do?" At times the children will surprise you with unusual ideas and you'll be delighted when these ideas are accepted. Sometimes the ideas don't make sense to the adult, but they work for the children!

Once in a while this method of solving problems fails because not every problem has a solution that everyone likes. While you can't use this time-consuming approach for every sharing problem, each time you do use it you will give children valuable practice with finding solutions. This is an important skill they will use throughout their lives.

Summary

Children become developmentally ready to share over time. The best way to support the children who are not yet ready to share is to have more than one of the most popular toys. Ask children to take turns rather than share. This means letting a child finish with a toy before offering it to another child. Encourage children to learn how to talk about turn taking. Asking for a turn and offering a toy when they have finished are things that preschool-aged children can learn to say for themselves. Encourage children to learn how to talk about a conflict. Listening to the other person's ideas and trying to find a solution that everyone can live with are valuable life skills. Finally, waiting and learning to finish up are hard. Help support the children to learn how to be able to do both of these things.

** Be very careful when you purchase used toys at yard sales or accept used toys from others. Look for broken or lose parts that could break off and be swallowed as well as for sharp edges, cracks, and chips.

Sources

So This is Normal Too, Deborah Hewitt Redleaf, St. Paul, MN 1995.
Ellen Neches, Teacher, Shady Lane School 100 N. Braddock Ave, Pittsburgh, PA

Assignments

1. What are two things you can do to solve a sharing problem when children are not developmentally ready to share?
2. What are three things you can do to set up for successful sharing in your child care program?
3. Brandon is painting at the easel and Michelle has asked for a turn to paint. What can you say to support Michelle as she waits for her turn?
4. Julia, age three, was playing with the cars. She wanders over to the table and is watching the children who are drawing with markers. Then she notices James playing with the cars and she runs over saying, "No, mine" and grabs a car out of his hand. What can you do to help Julia and James solve this problem?
5. Think about a time when two children in your care were unable to share. Now that you have read this unit, describe the sharing problem and tell three things could you do to handle this problem in the future.