Working with children means learning to work in partnership with their parents. The more you know about each family, the better you can work together to meet the needs of their growing baby. This unit will help you learn more about how parents of babies think and feel. You’ll learn some common problems that come up between parents and child care providers, and what a family provider can do to make a good relationship with parents. |
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All parents are alike in one way — they all want the best for their children. Yet every parent is unique, differing from other parents in many ways. With the mix of cultures and changes in the roles of men and women, new family styles are being created. Experienced caregivers know that they must take the time to get to know each family, since each family is truly unique. The more you understand about parent development, cultural differences, and your role as a caregiver, the better job you can do building a true partnership with parents. |
| Understanding parent development |
The parents of the babies in your care are at a critical and vulnerable time in their lives. Whether this baby is the first child or the fourth, adding a baby to the family requires many adjustments.
Before a baby is born or adopted, expectant parents imagine their lives after the baby comes. They imagine what their child will be like and what activities they will do with their child. Especially for first-time parents, these images of parenthood are widely varied and are rarely concerned with the day-to-day realities of caring for a child. Although often unrealistic, these images are important in helping people begin seeing themselves as mothers or fathers. |
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Once the child is born, parents’ imaginings about their baby and family life meet the reality of caring for a new baby. Many people don’t anticipate the demands of caring for an infant, and this mismatch between the vision and the reality can leave parents feeling unsure about their ability to parent. |
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Building an attachment to the child is key at this time. Attachment is the special relationship a child develops with a reliable caregiver. Children who are securely attached to a parent or guardian will do better cognitively, socially, and emotionally than children who are insecurely attached. While some parents feel a deep bond the first moment they see their child, for others this bond takes time to develop. You can reassure parents that this is normal and healthy. For the child it doesn’t matter if the parent does not feel an instant bond. As long as the parent is consistently responsive, the child will develop a secure attachment.
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| Many things can interfere with a parent’s sense of being a successful nurturer. Almost all new parents don’t get enough sleep. Many fear that they might not be meeting their baby’s needs or that the baby is eating too much or too little. They may be upset about how you or other family members handle the baby, not doing it their way. They can feel threatened when you or others appear to be “better” at caring for their child. But over time, parents grow more comfortable with their ability to nurture their child and their own ability to parent, and these issues (while still present) are not as sensitive as they were during the first year of their child’s life. |
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Understanding cultural differences |
There are many differences between cultures in how babies are treated. For instance, Koreans spoon-feed their children all they way up to the age of three, while in this country many older infants are doing a lot of independent eating throughout the toddler years. Whether they are large or small, cultural differences have the potential for creating misunderstandings. |
| Two common problem areas in caring for infants are differences in feeding practices and how sleep is handled. Even if you think your neighborhood is not culturally diverse, you are likely to find many differences among families on these important aspects of infant care, so it is valuable to ask each family about how they feed their baby and help her go to sleep. |
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Caregivers can find relationships with parents challenging. They may feel taken for granted and not respected by parents who are late picking up their children or ignore pleas for more diapers. On the other hand, parents may not always feel respected by caregivers who feel the parents work too much. Remember, all parents want the best for their children, and while their choices might not be our choices, it is important to convey respect. |
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A good relationship is built on mutual respect, so as a caregiver, insist on respectful treatment from parents. Create clear, written policies. Charge late pick-up fees, and if you must spend time buying diapers from the store, charge parents for your time and the diapers. Tell parents about these policies up front and have them sign a written agreement so that it is less emotional. |
The role of family child care providers can be confusing. While you are a business person, it is not a simple service transaction you provide. You’re not a teacher, and your child care home is not a school, yet you do teach children. In most cases you’re not part of the family, but at times you are like extended family. In your profession you must come to more carefully spell out the special role of family child care. While a family child care provider can learn things from businesses and schools, family child care really is something different. |
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| Think of family child care as part of the family support field. You’re in the business of supporting families and helping them best meet the needs of their children. Your role is to get to know the family members that are most important to the child. That may be the parents, guardians, aunts, uncles, and grandparents or even family friends. Find whoever is important to each child and build a good relationship so that you can work together to meet the child’s needs. Through this experience family members can learn to become empowered to speak for their child’s needs. |
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While no one likes conflict, conflict with families is something you can work through. Each age and stage of child development brings different types of conflict. For parents of infants, eating, sleeping, and elimination are all highly emotional issues. Expect parents to be sensitive about how the child is fed, changed, and put to sleep. Since babies are too young to tell parents about their day, parents may worry about the child care day. If their baby is wakeful at night, for example, parents might think you let him nap too long. Good, clear information can help calm concerns about this issue. |
Other conflicts are triggered by normal developmental changes that are misinterpreted. When separation anxiety appears at about eight months of age, for example, babies might cling to parents and cry when they are left with you. Some parents interpret this as a sign that something bad is happening at child care. When a child becomes old enough to speak and might call you “mama,” parents might think their baby is more attached to you than to them. Clear communication is the key in these situations. By talking to parents about the normal stages of child development, you can help sustain good relationships with families. Use conflict as an opportunity to listen closely to the feelings, fears, and concerns of the parent. It is really valuable to put what you are learning about the parent’s feelings into your own words and say them back to the parent: “I’m hearing that you are concerned that Shannon isn’t getting a long enough afternoon nap.” This is called active listening. It helps avoid misunderstandings and also shows empathy and respect for what the parent is feeling. When handled sensitively, conflict can actually make your relationship better. |
Keep communication lines open |
Some parents are afraid to communicate openly and honestly with caregivers. They are afraid if they speak their mind their caregiver will become angry and turn that anger onto their child or refuse to continue to provide care. Fears like these can prevent open communication. As a family child care provider, you should set the tone for the type of communication you are expecting. |
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| Help parents be experts on their children. During the child’s first year of life, parents are developing their confidence in handling their baby. You can help by acknowledging the parent as the expert on the child. After all, parents know their child better than anyone else. Ask for detailed information on sleeping, eating, and diapering, both when you first meet a family and on a regular basis afterwards. Babies change week to week, and the more you ask about, the better the parent feels and the better job you can do to meet that child’s needs. |
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Keep communication lines open by writing down details each day to share with the parents. Let them know how long their baby slept and what she ate, and share simple stories about her behavior each day. This can increase the parent’s confidence in you and can lay the groundwork for having more serious conversations when necessary. |
| Talk with parents about their life at home. When you learn about a baby’s routines at home, you can match the experience in child care. While child care is not home, and we are not the baby’s parent, it can be soothing for a baby to be rocked to sleep in a way similar to what her mother does, or to be held in the same way during feeding. This is a good way to work together with parents to better meet the needs of their infants. |
| Summary
Getting to know the families of the children in your care is a very important part of your job:
- Learn about parent development so you know what to expect from parents.
- Expect conflict with parents at times. Knowing some of the hot buttons or emotional issues can help you be prepared for conflict.
- The wisest caregiver expects each family to be unique and takes the time to get to know the family members who are with the baby the most. Try to set up a good relationship with each family.
- Let parents be experts on their babies and ask them to tell you about their child’s eating, sleeping, and diapering routines.
- Most of all, keep the communication lines open with daily chats so that you are ready to handle more sensitive communication when necessary.
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- When a new family with an infant comes into your child care program, what are at least three questions you will ask the parent(s) to help establish this new relationship.
- When a new family with an infant comes into your child care program, what are at least 3 things you would like to communicate to the new family about you and your program?
- Give us two examples of how you plan to keep communication open between you and the families with infants in your program?
- What is the best way to handle differences among families when it comes to caring for their infant?
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